Learning To Listen
A part of my spirit isn’t serving me anymore. A part of me needs to be put to rest. It needs peace.
Thursday morning all the feels came flooding in unexpectedly. Literally flooding in. I could feel a breakthrough was coming. I always know when something is about to bubble up, especially in relation to my writing. This time it was in regards to my own spirit, which turns out, had a small break. It is because I listened to my own self, that I now know this. I let go of the ugly feelings I was having about myself in the form of a good cry. I reached out to a friend, shared my struggle, and asked for specific prayer. This friend has known me since childhood. This friend doesn’t judge. This friend has come to me with her own struggles. This friend is a Christian. Right away she prayed.
A part of me that I’ve identified with for so long isn’t serving me anymore. Up until now I called this part of me my strength. But actually I think it has weakened me. From a young age, I have always been encouraged to share my voice. Stand up for what is right. That is something that I think is never wrong. But I fear I’ve taken that strength a bit too far.
My friends come to me with their struggles often. I have a close tribe and we thankfully are able to share a lot with each other openly. The struggle for me comes in feeling like I need to be tough. The boundary of knowing when to give advice and when to simply listen. Even when we know our intentions, at times it is the perception we need to be mindful of. I have been a good friend…now the question is how can I be a BETTER one?
I have found myself taking on battles that aren’t mine to tackle. I have used my voice to fight their fight or to encourage them to fight. It has made me tired.
I think part of this toughness comes from being single for so long. I didn’t feel like I had the option to be silent. I had to be a tough girl. A girl boss. Protective. That side of me isn’t necessary anymore. I’ve survived. I’ve been strong. I’ve found peace. Now I can relax. Become more vulnerable. Learn to savor and embrace this safe space.
Instead of giving it, I’m taking my own advice and living bold in a more quiet way. Uncovering pieces of yourself in this way can feel dark, I share in hopes of shedding light.
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