How To Grieve

I left the hospital with not only a broken heart but with the big question of how to grieve this.

My job is to make others strong. Each day I get the opportunity to work with women from the inside out. Most of my time is spent teaching how to incorporate healthy habits into an ever changing crazy life for any given client. Rolls have reversed. I’ve become my biggest project.
This next round of strength building for me has nothing to do with performance or physical appearance, instead it will be emotional heavy lifting. Fitness will no doubt find a place on this journey.
We’ve all faced a setback in our fitness or wellness journey at some point. Your circumstances change and you’re left pivoting from your original plan or goal to make room for the activities you now can do.
Last week may have been my greatest pivot to date. Thursday we found out we had lost our 8+ week pregnancy. Friday, just 24 hours later, I found myself in a hospital bed preparing myself for an unexpected surgical procedure. It was happening so fast and at times it felt like an out of body experience. Not only did I feel sad, I was very much afraid.
The surgery went well. Better than expected is what my doctor told Jason. Days later and I’m still sore. The sadness lingers and has left me feeling extremely weak and unmotivated. I’m caught in the space of wanting to A)sleep all day or B)run as hard as I can for as far as I can. Neither of these are options. I’m on light activity for 3 weeks. That has me focusing my attention to what I can do. I’ve broken it down into 3 categories because making a plan is a little thing I can control.
Emotional Well-Being: I listed this first because I believe it’s the most important. Minutes after our ultrasound I sat under the bright medical lights and began praying to God.
We started by asking for strength, then for healing, and now for bold blessings to come once again. This dialogue is constant. We still have plenty of gratitude to include during this time of pain. I’m filling my feed and screen with uplifting stories, mantras, music, and messages from spiritual leaders and influencers who I find impactful. I’ve made an appointment to get my hair done and also painted my nails a bold red as a way to feel fierce and powerful.
Nutritional Intake: Saturday Jason stocked our kitchen with fresh fruits and veggie. He made fresh juice and cooked a plant based dinner for us. So many nutrients and benefits for healing and nourishing the body. He also snagged me a couple of donuts that I enjoyed Sunday afternoon. Because treats sometime are the answer and we don’t need to think twice about it! I’m eating intuitively and making choices on a day to day basis. Cooking for me is physically exhausting but helps me feel normal. Following a recipe allows my mind to focus on a process. It’s a way I’m able to show love to my husband and fill our bodies with feel good fuel.
Carnitas Street tacos, recipe HERE
Physical Activity: This season comes with it’s own set of limitations. No running, no water workouts, no core for 3 weeks. I plan to put in the miles through some therapeutic walking this weekend. Immersing myself in nature and peaceful surroundings. Light weight work is allowed and I imagine will become more enticing as the days go on. Meditation and yoga have a place here as well.
I’m so glad we decided to start sharing our blessing before last week. It gave us a chance to truly know joy for the little miracle it was. For that, we will forever have gratitude.
A God of exceeding exceptions is present. He manifests in the form of Facebook comments and DM’s. Sunday I settled in with coffee and mindfully read the 130+ comments on my previous blog. When I decide to write a post, I do so intentionally. There’s always a purpose behind it. I don’t take my sharing lightly but I don’t take it too seriously either. Often I’m surprised and delighted that people still take the time to read my entries. Back to those comments…each set of words was a thoughtful gift. I received heartfelt messages from women who faced this same struggle. Sorority-sisters, family members, and friends who had never talked about it before. Dozens of similar stories, too many to count. Wow! Maybe our personal struggle was a vessel for us all to converse and in turn start to heal. I’m ok with that thought.
You may wonder how strong my faith will be now that I’m faced with something so sad. I feel held by God. There’s no other choice for Jason and I. This is how we push forward when a challenge is on us.

4 comments

  1. Kim Nelson

    Jess, I’m so very sorry for your loss

    Reply

  2. Julie

    Praying for you and your new husband! Having had my own fertility challenges and friends who have lost children, my heart aches for you. Finding my faith got me through my darkest hours, and I know it will for you too!

    Reply

  3. Sharon McDaniel

    Written from the heart Jess . Every woman can feel your ache. An ache that will soften in time but never forget because we shouldn’t. Bless you and Jason and thankful you have strength with God.

    Reply

  4. SBS

    I pray that you will be blessed with a child, I just know that God has something waiting for you, it’s just a matter of when it will arrive.

    Reply

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