Benefits of Faith During Loss
There was so much love at our wedding, between us and from our guests. We carried that love with us right into our honeymoon. It was the most amazing week. A week of a lifetime. There was so much love, that we came home with the biggest blessing. A pregnancy! We were equal parts shocked and excited when we confirmed the news! After our first doctor appointment, we shared the news with our closest friends and families. This weekend, we had decided to publicly share following our first ultra sound appointment which was August 8. Unfortunately seconds into the scan revealed no heartbeat. Two ultrasounds confirmed this to be true. We are heart broken and devastated. We could not have been prepared for this option. We both found it strange as we looked at the screen. After 8+ weeks, it was over.
Being a little older, the possibility of motherhood was something I had pushed out of my heart until finding Jason. I wouldn’t allow myself to give it much thought. Self preservation. I had just wrapped my head around the loving idea of motherhood.
I’ve been struggling with writing lately because I knew I had wonderful news to post. This past week I began sharing my workouts again and some little details about wellness. I knew context around it all was coming soon in a big announcement. I had drafted out several blog entries to share with you. Topics included: favorite prenatal products, safe workouts, even what I’ve been eating.
Before our wedding, I started pre natal vitamins and began reading pregnancy books. I’m a researcher and a learner and I wanted to do all the right steps to prepare my body physically for the changes that would come. Once I became pregnant, I upped my wellness game. I cleared out toxins in my make up, hair care, and body products. I obviously stopped drinking my skinny margaritas and I cut down my caffeine intake to a bare minimum. I bought a heart rate monitor. I prayed. I started a Pinterest board. I enjoyed plenty of rest. Everything I could do I did.
That’s what I need to remember. I did everything I could do. That gives me peace. The doctor also explained it this way. The 80% of women and couples who go though this ache need to hear that statement and really feel it. I believe it to be true. I believe nature new better in this case. I also believe I’ve never been more heart broken. I don’t think I’ve ever been just sad before. I’ve been sad and angry or sad and alone but never just sad.
I’m not alone. I’m so thankful for my husband. My rock. My steady. My heart. He allows me to have fear but find my brave through it. He allows me to be sad and search for my strength. During this time of grief we pull from our tools like prayer, meditation, nutrition, and fitness to heal our spirits. Even after this core shaking moment, we still have so much.
I’m thankful for the doctors who had to share such sad news with us. I appreciate their compassion and calm. They were amazing. The perfect combination of empathy and information.
I’ll be on an emotional and physical journey for a bit. There will be a process to figure out how to treat the span of emotions and physical changes once again. There’s a different set of circumstances and limitations. I’ll be working on showing my body grace as it sheds a loss and prepares for whatever may come next. Writing helps. Talking with my husband helps. Praying helps.
Jason said something in passing conversation the night before this happened about the benefits of faith. I loved hearing that phrase. Little did we know it would become a mantra of sorts. How appropriate because how would one get through without it. I’m so grateful we don’t have to. We have love. We have faith. With that, I see we already have our little family. I believe one way or another it will grow. God has plans for us. Once again we trust. We will ask for guidance and we pray bold prayers.
I’m in a club of many other women now. A sisterhood of warriors. It’s crazy what our little bodies have to do…and what they are capable of doing. Right now it’s in a weird shape with little stamina. But I’m choosing to think it’s what we can’t see that is really the gem. The inner faith muscles I’m being forced to exercise and balance on.
The current fitness, wellness, health goal is to be easy on myself. To find joy and to not live in fear. Thank you for allowing me to share my story. Thank you for your prayers.